Tag Archives: united states

Chris Christie investigates own conduct in bridge-closing scandal; discovers that he is blameless

28 Mar

 

 

TRENTON–in a compelling response to critics of his handling of the bridge-closure scandal, Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he had extensively investigated his own conduct throughout and found out that “I did everything exactly right at all times.”

“I have exhaustively reviewed all available evidence, spoken to hundreds of witnesses, and reviewed thousands of documents, and I can confidently state that my own conduct has been absolutely excellent at every moment,” said Christie, denying rumors that he had been involved in the controversial decision to close several approach lanes to the George Washington Bridge in apparent political retribution against the mayor of Fort Lee. “Anyone who disagrees with me is doing so for purely partisan reasons.”

A month ago, Christie appointed a fiercely independent team of investigators and directed them to leave “no stone unturned” in their effort to find the truth about . The team included his lawyer, his mother, three Teletubbies, and a golden retriever named Winston. “These guys are the best in the business,” Christie said at the time.

The final independent report, more than 370 pages long, reaches the conclusion that Gov. Christie not only “was completely unaware of the closings,” but also that he has “dreamy eyes” and is “sure-fire presidential timber in 2016.”

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Christie reports being amazed at “just how great I did” throughout the bridge scandal

NFL commissioner paid $44 million, “because it’s just so darn hard to get people to watch football”

15 Feb

NEW YORK–the National Football League yesterday filed paperwork showing that Commissioner Roger Goodell earned 44.2 million dollars, making him among the highest-paid executives of any organization in America, and by far the highest-paid leader of a not-for-profit organization.

“Roger deserves every penny,” said Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and member of the committee that sets Goodell’s compensation. “We all know that football has struggled for years to get any cultural traction in the United States, and without him, I doubt anyone would be watching the game at all.”

Kraft went on to list some of Goodell’s more impressive accomplishments as commissioner, which include “Margarita Mondays” at league headquarters and the decision not really to do anything about the concussion crisis, the Miami Dolphins bullying case, or indeed, anything else.

“History shows us that when an organization has been extremely successful for many years, the best thing to do is take your eye off the ball and let things drift for a while,” said Goodell in a statement, wearing a suit sewn out of money. “I have no intention of changing anything now.”

GOP reports “strong agreement” on everything except immigration, tax reform, health care, debt ceiling, and foreign policy

1 Feb

WASHINGTON–returning from their annual three-day retreat, the Republican congressional caucus reported that it had emerged “united on all the major issues of the day” except for immigration reform, tax-code changes, an alternative health-care proposal, the debt ceiling,  foreign policy, a farm bill, unemployment benefits, Congressional reform, and privacy.

Eric Cantor (R–VA) reported, however, that the party was “completely in agreement” that America “kicks major butt,” and had also rallied around a proposal to establish a National Apple Pie Day.

“We’re excited to be running on this vibrant, optimistic agenda for the midterms,” said Cantor. After an aide whispered in his ear, he clarified that “in fact, our emotions range from excited to merely content.”

On the Senate side, Mitch McConnell (R–KY), stating that only wimps change their minds, said that his top priority remained ensuring that Obama be a one-term president.

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