Tag Archives: vatican

Vatican reveals Pope Francis met with Kim Davis, attended Confederate flag rally, robbed liquor store

30 Sep

ROME—in a surprising turn of events, the Vatican confirmed today that Pope Francis met with noted anti-human-rights activist Kim Davis during his recent trip. In addition, he attended a Confederate flag rally, ran over an old lady with the Popemobile, and robbed two liquor stores in downtown Washington, D.C.

“His Holiness believes in respecting the power of civil disobedience,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Also, he just likes to raise hell.”

Many Americans who admire Francis were shocked to learn of his many previously undisclosed activities. “I really like what Francis says about focusing on charity and compassion,” said David Richter, a bartender in New York. “That’s why I was so surprised when he ducked into our place, grabbed the tip jar, and ran.”

The Vatican justified the decision to meet with Davis, explaining that “the Holy Father believes we should all stand up for our conscience.” A spokesman went on to add that “in the case of Kim Davis, also, he just sort of thought it would be a hoot.”

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Seriously?

Pope resigns to spend more time with his family, allowing younger leader to not deal with various crises

11 Feb

VATICAN CITY–in an announcement that shocked Catholics around the world, Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he was resigning to spend more time with his non-existent family.

After 8 years of ignoring or covering up the sexual-abuse crisis and various financial scandals, Benedict said that his resignation would allow a younger, more vigorous pope to take up the mantle of allowing the church to drift aimlessly. Said Benedict, “Stonewalling and willful blindness aren’t easy.”

“This is an unprecedented step,” said religious-affairs expert David Wilcox. “Not since Sarah Palin stepped down as governor of Alaska has a leader of this stature cut and run with so little notice.”

The future ex-pope’s future plans are unclear. He could take a lucrative role at one of the many Vatican lobbying firms, or look for private-equity work. His name has also been floated as a possible commentator on CNBC or, at a stretch, ESPN. “He’s certainly better qualified to do Monday Night Football than Dennis Leary was,” said a spokesman.

Benedict will serve through February 28th before stepping down. “The extra three weeks will allow him to pass Clement IX (963-971) on the tenure list and thus become the 86th-longest-serving-pope of all time,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Also, he gets to keep his dental insurance through some fillings he’s having done next week.”

Asked whether the church might drift between the announcement of his resignation and the appointment of a new pope, Benedict said that he would be delighted to see such an extension of his legacy.

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