Tag Archives: washington

Boehner threatens to creepy-kiss Democrats until Keystone approved

9 Jan

WASHINGTON–showing a newfound confidence, House Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) today warned Democrats that he would be giving them “super-creepy kisses” every day until the Keystone XL pipeline is approved and signed.

“We have an expanded majority, and I’ve just come from the Georgetown Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat lunch buffet,” said Boehner, speaking at an event to benefit mentally handicapped Republican Senators. “We’re going to use both of those tools to get what we want.”

Having demonstrated the seriousness of his threat on Nancy Pelosi (D–CA), Boehner warned the Democratic leadership that he would “creepy-kiss one of them each day” until the Keystone XL bill is passed and signed by President Obama. “And don’t think you can get away with a veto,” said Boehner, referring to the president. “I’ve got something special planned for you.”

Pelosi was treated for cuts and bruises and taken to the hospital as a precaution. Her chances of survival, previously estimated at 100%, dropped to 40% when the ambulance was diverted to Walter Reed Medical Center.

U.S. House Speaker John Boehner kisses House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, as he holds the gavel after being re-elected speaker on the House floor at the U.S. Capitol in Washington
Boehner plants one on Nancy Pelosi, after threatening her with a giant mallet to make her stand still

Republican Congress delivers entire mandate by 10.15am

7 Jan

WASHINGTON–in one of the quickest and most decisive successes in American political history, the Republican-controlled 114th Congress opened today and passed no legislation of any kind, thereby delivering its entire mandate.

“I’m pleased to report that we have achieved exactly what we set out to do,” said John Boehner, who was elected Speaker with overwhelming support from a small portion of the Republican House caucus. “And we were having margaritas in my office by ten o’clock.”

Boehner reported that he planned to spend most of the next two years working on his tan. Other members of the leadership reported that they would be focused on golf or bowling, or in forty or fifty cases just sitting around waiting for the Rapture.

“I have the biggest Republican majority in more than seventy years,” said Boehner, reached by phone from the lounge of the Arlington TGI Friday’s, “and I fully intend not to use it.”

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/7a9/37750163/files/2015/01/img_4787.jpgBoehner later expressed irritation that “a lot of government stuff” had taken up ninety minutes in the morning, and vowed to do less of it in the future.

Citing blizzard, Congress agrees to take vacation until January 2015

3 Jan

WASHINGTON–as a fierce winter storm tied up much of the Midwest and East Coast, Congress agreed that “as a precaution” it would shut down for the next twelve months, just in case there is more snow than forecast.

“It sure breaks me up to do this, just as we were on the cusp of passing a lot of great bipartisan legislation” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “But you know what they say, better safe than sorry.”

Other members of both the House and Senate agreed that it was “just too risky” to open Congress at any point in 2014. “We’d love to do some real work on behalf of the American people, but we just don’t know how bad this storm is going to be,” said Sen. Harry Reid (D–NV).

Sen. Ted Cruz (R–TX) supported the resolution to keep Congress out for the next twelve months. He noted that he planned to be holed up in his survival bunker, working through his forty-year supply of canned goods. “The good news is that it’s too deep underground for the Commie mind rays to get me,” said Cruz. “Or the zombies.”

US seeks to pacify Iraq by flooding it with weapons

26 Dec

BAGHDAD—seeking to reverse the recent increase in sectarian violence, the United States has recently launched a plan to pacify Iraq by making sophisticated and deadly weapons available to all sides.

“The peace in Iraq is fragile, and could be broken at any moment,” said Secretary of State John Kerry when asked about the program. “Obviously, the safest path forward is to ship a massive quantity of small arms, missiles, and drones to the Iraqi Army, which will then be in a position to distribute them to armed groups of all persuasions.”

Sources close to the White House confirm that the program was inspired by the “tremendous success” of America’s domestic gun-control policy, which has “conclusively proved” that most violence is caused by insufficient access to weapons.

“Right now, only the bad guys are armed, and also most males aged fourteen and above,” explained Kerry. “We figure that if everyone has a Hellfire missile or two up their sleeves, the terrorists will think twice before launching a suicide attack.”

The news was broken by the New York Times, which later reported a “critical breakdown in our irony-detection algorithms” when editing its story.

Doctors concerned as Paul Ryan demonstrates symptoms of “acute common sense” in budget deal

12 Dec

WASHINGTON—concerns mounted for Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI), once seen as a rising star within the GOP, as medical experts concluded that he was manifesting symptoms of a “profound, possibly terminal case of common sense.”

Doctors first spotted the issue several months ago, when Ryan was appointed to lead budget negotiations with Sen. Patty Murray (D—WA). “Normally, a spell of coherence and rationality lasts several days to a week,” said Dr. David Henhorn, chief of Republican psychiatry at Georgetown University Teaching Hospital. “The normal course of recovery then involves snarky comments, followed by unrealistic demands, finally leading to a full return to narcissistic obstructionism.”

Unfortunately, “Ryan’s case has only gotten worse,” culminating this week in an actual, constructive budget deal “in which both sides give a little and get a little,” said Henhorn, shaking his head gravely.

Congressional Republicans, crestfallen at what could be a terminal case of rationality, sought answers. “I’ve been informed it’s a brain tumor,” said Rep. Ted Yoho (R—FL). Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) had a more sinister explanation, noting that “the Obama-Soviet Kleptocracy has beamed appeasement rays directly into Paul’s brain through transmitters in his fillings.”

Cruz was concerned for other members of the Republican caucus, although not for himself. “Nothing gets by this baby,” he said, pointing to the homemade tinfoil hat on his head.

Healthcare.gov lands on aircraft carrier; “Mission Accomplished”

2 Dec

ABOARD THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, ATLANTIC OCEAN—the healthcare.gov website today landed a fighter jet aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln today and emerged in a flight suit to stand before an enormous banner reading “Mission Accomplished.”

Speaking to reporters and the assembled crew, the website noted that in the two months since launch, its failure rate had declined from over 99% to “barely 15%,” and that a web-experience firm had upgraded the website’s usability to “barely adequate.”

“When this administration says it will deliver a mediocre outcome by November 30,” said healthcare.gov to the wild cheers of the crew, “it delivers.”

The website then handed out information forms to reporters that were entirely blank, and then noted that to commemorate meeting the deadline, it was changing the birthdate of everyone registering from Oklahoma and Tennessee to November 30, 1888.

Post Office to stop delivering mail on Saturdays, weekdays

18 Feb

WASHINGTON–faced with looming financial catastrophe, the Post Office today announced that it was going to adjust its service standards, stopping all mail delivery on Saturdays and weekdays.

“Congress’s failure to replace me and my ineffective team with stronger managers has left me with no choice but to announce a slight change in our approach to delighting our customers,” said Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe. “I hope that by no longer delivering the mail, we will be able to preserve a strong Postal Service for decades to come.”

According to numbers released by the USPS, which lost $15.9 billion in 2012, stopping all mail delivery would “cut our annual losses in half.” Donahoe did make the caveat that “our projections assume Americans keep buying stamps at the same rate as today.”

Blame for the decline of the USPS is widely shared. In addition to the problems created by poor management, experts agree that government interference has been extremely unhelpful. For example, Congress required Saturday delivery, shut down the Post Office’s innovative online bill-payment service, and occasionally prank-calls Postmaster General Donahoe, asking if his refrigerator is running.

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