Tag Archives: weight loss

Smokers, obese confident that 2013 resolutions will be different from 1997-2012 resolutions

1 Jan

NEW YORK–as 2013 began, smokers, the obese, and people with annoying habits of all descriptions were confident that this year, their New Year’s resolutions would finally work.

“This time it’s definitely going to stick,” said Jared Wilcox of Queens, who has been trying to get back to his college weight since 1986, when he graduated from college. “I’ve joined the same gym I joined in 2011, 2009, and 2006, and this time I’m really going to go. I’m totally positive. I even bought an app to track my progress.”

“I’ve thrown away my last pack of cigarettes,” said Sheila Nussbaum, in town visiting friends from Poughkeepsie. “As soon as I finish these last fourteen that I’ve got in my coat pocket, I’m absolutely never smoking again,” she added, lighting up two Virginia Slims simultaneously.

Experts agreed that twenty or thirty years of failure is often just the preparation needed for success. “I can totally quit sneaking marshmallows at work,” said clinical psychology professor David Jiminez. “I mean, I’ve already quit like eighty times. So I know how to do it.”

Romney promises that Americans will be able to lose weight without diet or exercise

25 Oct

DAYTON, Ohio—Mitt Romney today pledged that, if he is elected, all Americans will be able to maintain a healthy body weight without exercising, while eating whatever they want.

“Under my health-care plan, you will be able to eat pizza and ice cream at every meal, sit on the couch all day, and get back to your college weight within six weeks,” Romney told a cheering crowd at a rally here. “It’s based on the same principles as my budget plan.”

Asked for specifics, Romney explained that “we will reduce caloric intake in other ways” to ensure that Americans lost the weight. When pressed for details, he said that he wanted to consult with Congress over the specific calorie reductions once in office.

The Obama campaign was clearly shaken by Romney’s bold new pledge. After some delay, a hastily-assembled press release announced that the administration would create a series of YouTube workout videos called “Sweatin’ With Joe,” featuring Vice-President Biden in his vintage leg warmers.

“If Romney wins,” said Stephanie Cutter, “we’re going to release these things. You’ve been warned.”

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