Tag Archives: white house

New Republican plan is for killer asteroid to repeal Obamacare

25 Jun

WASHINGTON–fresh off yet another defeat as the Supreme Court today affirmed Obamacare, leading Republicans coalesced around a different plan, hoping that a killer asteroid will plunge into the Earth and destroy health-care reform, along with life as we know it.

“While this Supreme Court ruling is a bitter pill to swallow, we are confident that our new strategy of awaiting a killer asteroid will prove to be the undoing of Obamacare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “When a handful of survivors crawl out of their bunkers a generation later, they will be free from the tyranny of government attempting to provide health care to working-class Americans.”

The Supreme Court ruling confirmed that the federal government could offer health-insurance subsidies to all Americans, regardless of whether the exchange on which they bought insurance was organized by the federal government or by individual states. Four plaintiffs had argued that state-based exchanges were ineligible for subsidies on the grounds that moments before the vote to pass the ACA, a House clerk eating a hot dog had dropped a large dollop of ketchup on the key phrase in the bill.

Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from the 6-3 ruling, arguing that “what matters is the bill that was passed, not the bill that would have been passed if it didn’t have ketchup spilled on it.”

Leading Republicans were bitter after the ruling. “The whole point of the Supreme Court is to help our party win battles that we can’t win through elections,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “I guess they forgot why we elected them in the first place.”

According to the new Republican plan, there is a 4% chance that a killer asteroid will hit the earth some time during this century, possibly creating a mass extinction event, which would “somehow undo Obamacare,” said Boehner. “And 4% is better than our odds in the next presidential election, at the rate we’re going.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R–LA), who just declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination, also expressed his unhappiness with the ruling. “If the travesty that is Obamacare stands,” he said, “my state will lose some of its great traditions, like children dying from preventable diseases.”


In surprising twist, US Army invades and occupies Texas, after all

20 May

DALLAS–in a move that surprised most observers, President Obama today revealed that Jade Helm 15 actually was a plot to invade Texas and seize the guns of God-fearing Americans.

“I am pleased to report that US Special Forces, acting under my personal supervision, as well as that of the United Nations, today managed to overcome the Texas National Guard and occupy two-thirds of the state,” said Obama in a speech to journalists and supporters. “As a result, we are in a position to impose Obamacare, fluoride, and Common Core on the last few holdouts.”

Gov. Greg Abbott (R–TX), who had spotted the conspiracy early and attempted to resist, issued a statement congratulating President Obama and endorsing Hillary Clinton. Journalists noted that he seemed to be much taller, no longer in a wheelchair, and left-handed.

Obama noted that the Special Forces would maintain control of Texas until such time as the European Union was able to send its own troops to take possession of the state, having purchased it from the United States in exchange for its proprietary mind-reading technology.

 Greg Abbott knew all along 

Political humor bloggers beg Republican presidential candidates to spread out their announcements

6 May

NEW YORK–after a 48-hour stretch in which Carly Fiorina, Ben Carson, and then Mike Huckabee all declared their candidacies for the Republican presidential nomination, the powerful American Association of Nominally Nonpartisan Political Humor Bloggers (AANNPHB) demanded that the Republican leadership intervene to space out future announcements.

“Fringe Republican candidates are among this nation’s most treasured humor resources,” said Dan Winterson, Vice-President of Topic Selection for twissblog, one of the founding members of AANNPHB. “Three declarations in two days is just a tragic waste of potential. It’s like flaring natural gas at the wellhead.”

Another twissblog employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that acrimony had broken out at twissblog’s weekly all-staff meeting, when dozens of employees angrily protested the blog’s failure to cover the three announcements in detail.

“They’ve got a point,” said Winterson. “But there’s not much we can do. The party leadership needs to step in and make sure that the no-hoper candidates declare at least a week apart, so that America can exploit their deep reserves of potential for mockery in an efficient, environmentally sound manner.”

With Mitt Romney out of the race, and “a lot of the crazies already in,” Winterson said that twissblog was currently storing a supply of jokes in deep underground bunkers. “We know we’ve got to make these guys last almost a year,” he said. “That’s what makes it even worse to see events moving so quickly right now.”

If you liked God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy, you’ll love One Nation

Christie campaign introduces new slogan: “At least he’s still not in jail”

3 May

TRENTON–seeking to revitalize his struggling presidential campaign, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) introduced a new slogan today: “At least he’s still not in jail.”

Said spokesman Bruce Davies, “We think it’s important that the public really understand who Chris Christie is. And as of this moment, Chris is not a convicted felon.” Davies then briefly checked his phone. “Still good,” he said afterwards.
The new slogan came the day after three of Christie’s associates were indicted in the George Washington Bridge scandal, which also produced a detailed report of the events leading up to the closing of the bridge. A jubiliant Christie announced that the report “completely exonerated” him personally. Spokesman Davies later sent a note to reporters clarifying that the governer had used the phrase “completely exonerated” in the alternative sense of “did not find evidence to support an indictment.”

Absolutely, definitely, not in prison at this moment.

Bernie Sanders enters presidential race; Martin O’Malley worried it will derail his smooth path to the Democratic nomination

1 May

BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders, the longtime independent Senator, declared his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, complicating former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley’s expected smooth path through the primaries.

“Make no mistake about it, this throws a monkey wrench in O’Malley’s plans,” said Ritchie Oriol, professor of political science at UNLV. “O’Malley figured he could run towards the center, win every primary, and save his money for the general election. Now he’s got to fight off Sanders from the left.”

Oriol stressed that Sanders was unlikely to win. “He probably doesn’t have a viable path to the nomination, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a disruptive force for O’Malley.”

According to Oriol, the real concern would be “if someone else, an even stronger candidate, were to enter the Democratic primaries. Then we can start to come up with realistic scenarios where O’Malley loses the nomination.”

Sanders: a “legitimate threat” to Martin O’Malley’s presidential hopes

Obama nomination of Ashton Kutcher as Secretary of Defense raises eyebrows

5 Dec

WASHINGTON–in a surprise move, President Obama today nominated Ashton Kutcher to replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, a decision that caught observers by surprise.

“We all knew this was likely to be a caretaker pick,” said expert David Fosters. “But I’m still scratching my head as to why Obama went with a TV star, instead of someone with relevant foreign policy experience, like Ashton Carter.”

In his announcement of Kutcher, Obama noted that “if Ashton could turn around Two and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen left, I’m confident he can fix up Afghanistan and Iraq.” Obama also noted Kutcher’s outsized Twitter presence as justification for the pick.

Kutcher was unavailable for comment. His publicist said that Kutcher was spending quiet time with Mila Kunis and their new baby and asked the media to respect their privacy, immediately before distributing several dozen glossy photos of the family for publication.
“How hard can it be?” Kutcher was reported to have said after accepting the nomination.

Obama asks Harry Reid to deliver State of the Union; “I don’t have time for this minutiae”

28 Jan

WASHINGTON—the White House confirmed today that President Obama has asked Harry Reid to write and deliver tonight’s State of the Union Address, noting that “if I got involved in every little political event in Washington, I’d never get any work done.”

The decision caught many observers by surprise, as the address is normally a President’s best opportunity to set the agenda for the year ahead and generate momentum behind legislative proposals. However, an aide noted that “the President just doesn’t feel like he should get sucked in to this kind of point-scoring.”

The aide denied that the President’s decision reflected any kind of disengagement with his job or the political process. “He is hard at work on his memoirs,” explained the aide, “and also thinking about post-Presidency plans.”

In another unconventional move, the President reportedly asked Nancy Pelosi to ask Harry Reid to deliver the speech, noting that “I can’t afford to spend all my time jawboning with Congress.” The administration later issued a clarification, noting that the President had actually asked a White House gardener to speak to Pelosi, explaining that Obama didn’t have her phone number anywhere.

Healthcare.gov lands on aircraft carrier; “Mission Accomplished”

2 Dec

ABOARD THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, ATLANTIC OCEAN—the healthcare.gov website today landed a fighter jet aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln today and emerged in a flight suit to stand before an enormous banner reading “Mission Accomplished.”

Speaking to reporters and the assembled crew, the website noted that in the two months since launch, its failure rate had declined from over 99% to “barely 15%,” and that a web-experience firm had upgraded the website’s usability to “barely adequate.”

“When this administration says it will deliver a mediocre outcome by November 30,” said healthcare.gov to the wild cheers of the crew, “it delivers.”

The website then handed out information forms to reporters that were entirely blank, and then noted that to commemorate meeting the deadline, it was changing the birthdate of everyone registering from Oklahoma and Tennessee to November 30, 1888.

GOP furious at “undemocratic” use of majority rule

21 Nov

WASHINGTON–the Senate today voted along party lines to reduce the use of filibusters today, causing an incandescent reaction from the Republican Party, who blasted the move as “dictatorial.”

“When Adolf Hitler took over in Germany, what’s the first thing he did?” asked Sen. Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “He instituted a system whereby a majority of representatives freely elected by the people could make policy, that’s what.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R–TX) was equally furious. Waving a copy of the United States Constitution on the Senate floor, he said that “this document explicitly guarantees Republicans the right to reject judicial nominees because they don’t like the President’s policies and are generally angry.” After several skeptical questions from Democrats, he removed the shrink-wrap from his copy of the constitution and starting looking for the exact article, but ran out of time before he could find it.

In a subsequent speech, Cruz vowed that “this abuse of power will not be allowed to stand.” In a follow-up statement, an aide clarified that Cruz was speaking about filibuster reform as well as health-care reform, civil-rights legislation, income tax, and fluoride.

Air Force One flies low over healthcare.gov rollout; Obama “shocked” by devastation

16 Nov

WASHINGTON–returning from a trip to the West Coast this morning, President Obama directed Air Force One to conduct a low-altitude flyover of the rollout of the healthcare.gov website. Aides said the President was “shocked” by the extent of the catastrophe.

“The President cares deeply about the suffering of the people in areas affected by the website rollout, and was deeply saddened to see how bad the situation was when he looked at it through the airplane window,” said a White House spokesperson. “He has directed his staff to do everything possible to provide relief.”

A shaken Obama later told reporters that he had “no idea” how bad it was until he flew over the scene at less than ten thousand feet.

“Obviously this was a completely unforeseeable natural disaster,” said Obama in a prepared statement. “But I take full accountability for the fact that we have not moved quickly enough to remedy this catastrophe that once again was in no way whatsoever of our making.”

Sources confirm that Obama is determined that the healthcare.gov debacle will in no way derail his ambitious second-term agenda, which includes completing his second term and perhaps losing a little weight.

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