Tag Archives: wisconsin

Paul Ryan declines to run for Speaker, saying he doesn’t want to disappoint people until he becomes President

16 Oct

MADISON, Wisconsin—Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) said again today that he does not want to become Speaker of the House. Ryan explained that the role was set up for failure, and that he doesn’t plan to fail “until I’m doing it in a big way from the White House.”

Both mainstream and right-wing Republicans have turned to Ryan as the only person who can command the respect of both party factions, but to date he has resisted calls to replace John Boehner (R—OH) as Speaker. Said Ryan, “I would just end up letting someone down, and I don’t want to let down some of my colleagues in Congress by taking sides—I want to let down this entire nation by being an ineffective President.”

According to Ryan, “I don’t want my hypothetical future public service as President to be sullied by any, you know, actual here-and-now public service.” He then politely asked several of his Republican colleagues to “get their grubby paws off of me.” He then retreated back into his house to watch old Packers games on DVD and practice writing “President Ryan” in big loopy cursive on his notebook.

Of course this is a photo of Paul Ryan. What are you suggesting? Wait–have we never really seen them both at the same time in the same place???

Scott Walker drops out of presidential race, creating fears that US-Canadian border will be left undefended

22 Sep

ANTLER, North Dakota—for the past twenty-four hours, nervous residents of this small town only two miles from Canada have been stocking up on guns, ammunition, and night-vision goggles. The flurry of activity comes on the heels of Scott Walker ending his presidential campaign—and with it, the last candidate from either party willing to take on the never-ending flow of dangerous Canadians streaming across the border.

“Scott was the only one with the guts to stand up and say we need a giant wall to keep these moose-loving, health-care-providing criminals out,” said Matt Spanjers, who was working behind the counter at Tennyson’s Garage. “You come back five years from now, it’s all going to be poutine and Molson’s here. No room for Americans left in their own country.”

Walker’s promise to build a wall across the Canadian border was widely considered an overreaction to Donald Trump’s promise to build a wall along the border with Mexico, but Spanjers, who has been organizing citizen militias to patrol the border, knows better. “Scott knew those Canadians were up to something. It’s quiet up there–too quiet.”

Not everyone was sorry to see Walker’s candidacy end. ISIS sent out a triumphant tweet, expressing its relief that “we won’t have to suffer the same tactics Gov. Walker used against Wisconsin’s public-sector unions,” a pledge he made in the first Republican debate in August.

Antler fire dept
The American flag still flies above the Antler Fire Department–for now.

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