Tag Archives: women

Announcing…the Twissblog Prize!

29 Apr

Friends! As part of our relentless promotion of excellence in journalism, the editorial board of Twissblog is pleased to announce the enormously prestigious TWISSBLOG PRIZE.

The Twissblog Prize will be awarded to any journalist writing for The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal who publishes an article in 2015 meeting all of the following criteria:

– At least one thousand words long
– Primarily about a woman active in politics or business with whom readers are probably not familiar (e.g. not Hillary Clinton)
– Does not mention whether she is married or has children
– Does not mention her appearance or clothing

By our staff’s count, there have been no recipients of the Twissblog Prize so far this year. There have been, however, at least two hundred winners in the “writing about men” division.

Winners of the Twissblog Prize will receive undying fame and fortune and a not terribly generous cash prize.

While the hundreds of paid employees of Twissblog will be assiduously reading the Times every day searching for winners, we encourage our readers to nominate recipients in the comments below.

Signed,

The Twissblog Prize Committee

Looking ahead to 2016, Republicans decide to start talking about rape again

7 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the 2016 election approaches, the Republican Party is making a push to increase its focus one of its traditional vote-winning issues, rape.

“The women’s vote is the key to the White House, and we all know that there’s nothing women like more than seeing a bunch of middle-aged men on television talking about the ways in which rape is bad overall, but sometimes not really so bad, you know?” said Reince Priebus, the GOP national chairman. “That’s why I’m excited that we’re getting back out there and talking about it once again.”

The first sign of the change came this week when West Virginia state delegate Brian Kurcaba explained how “the beautiful thing about rape” is when a baby was conceived as a result.

Priebus said that the party had lost confidence in its rape agenda after several Republican congressional candidates lost elections after discussing it. “I think we know now that was an overreaction,” he explained. “The key is just staying organized and on-message.”

According to Priebus, the party is now working to agree on a common set of terminology. “Part of the problem last time is that people just make up the terms as they go along. ‘Legitimate’ vs ‘Actual’ vs ‘Real’–we need to align on some simple words and messages to make sure people know what we stand for.”

Priebus was quick to underline that the Republican Party was sensitive to the concerns of women. “Let’s face it, we need to remember that rape is not always a good thing,” he said. “Sometimes women aren’t even asking for it with the way they’re dressed.”

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Brian Kurcaba (R–WV) heads the Creepy Guys Who Spend a Lot of Time in Their Basements Caucus

Perry signs tough new abortion bill outlawing all women in Texas

19 Jul

AUSTIN—stating that his goal was to “protect ladies from unsafe surgical procedures,” Gov. Rick Perry of Texas today signed a bill that would prevent any woman of childbearing age from entering the state.

“Texas men are irresistible,” explained Perry. “Once you let women in this state, they’ll probably be pregnant in minutes, and then they might get an abortion, which could lead to uncontrollable bleeding. So this is just to protect our ladies, really.”

The no-women-allowed law is a stronger version of a previous bill aimed at restricting abortion. Under the previous law, which was successfully filibustered by Democrats, abortions could only take place in clinics that met statewide surgical standards, had at least one doctor on staff with hospital privileges, and had the ability to launch a satellite into space.

Responding to criticism that deporting millions and millions of Texan women would lead to a massive exodus of families and destroy the state’s economy, Perry was unapologetic. “What price is too great to save a human life?” he asked rhetorically, while behind him a half-naked child with whooping cough tugged on his pants and asked for medicine.

A few minutes later, Perry was handed a note by an aide, and interrupted his prepared text to issue a correction. “Apparently in Texas we believe $500 is too great,” he clarified.

Republicans disappointed that sequester distracting from their focus on rape, domestic violence

4 Mar

WASHINGTON–as the sequester entered its fourth day today, Republicans expressed frustration that the budget dispute was stealing the spotlight from their core messages about rape and domestic violence.

“One thing we’ve learned in the last year is that creepy discussions about rape are big vote-winners for us,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “But just when we were having a great debate about whether violence against women is good or bad–bam! Along comes the sequester.”

After the House passed legislation to combat domestic and sexual violence against women last week, over the strident objections of many Republicans,* the sequester has dominated headlines.

“Sure, I’m all for limited government, blah, blah, blah,” said Ralph Reed. “But where are the headlines about vaginal ultrasounds? Legitimate rape? If we don’t stand for violating the privacy of women, what do we stand for?”

Aware of the discontent within his party, Boehner promised on the weekend to push compromise legislation that would require doctors to tell women seeking abortions about the need to cut entitlement spending.

* no, seriously

Pentagon to allow women in combat, surprising thousands of women already in combat

24 Jan

WASHINGTON—Defense Secretary Leon Panetta today announced that he is lifting the longstanding ban on women serving in combat roles in the US military, surprising the thousands of women who have recently fought in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“It sure seemed like combat, but I guess I was confused,” said decorated veteran Janet Engler of Chicago, who fought off several insurgent attacks on her supply convoys in Iraq and survived an IED blast. “Maybe it was just a kind of weird angle on a surprise birthday party.”

Rep. Tammy Duckworth (D—Ill), a double-amputee veteran of the Iraq War, was also surprised. “I guess my legs just fell off when I wasn’t looking, or something,” she said.

Some military experts expressed concern about the differences in upper-body strength between most men and most women. “Traditionally, when Afghan insurgents attack our firebases, it starts with a bench-press-off,” said Col. David Maynes. “Can women handle it?”

Opposition to the move was relatively muted. Former Rep. Allen West decried the move, arguing that “allowing women to vote is the first step towards moral decay.” There was then some confusion while he looked for the correct speech.

Fox News was also opposed. In an on-air editorial, Karl Rove noted that “we don’t support gays in the military, and we don’t support women in combat.” After thinking for a moment, he added, “I guess that means we can support gay women in combat.”

Romney endorses gender equality, education in Middle East; still thinking about it in America

23 Oct

BOCA RATON–in the third and final presidential debate, Mitt Romney put forward a robust vision for the Middle East, one in which education is widely available, women are on an equal footing with men, and the fruits of economic growth are available to everyone.

“All of that is completely wrong for the United States, of course,” he hastened to add.

The debate was marked by an aggressive tone as the candidates debated foreign-policy topics such as the US national debt, hiring more US teachers, and their rival plans to create jobs in the US.

Romney demonstrated his national-security credentials by insulting three nuclear-armed states: China, Russia, and Pakistan. Pressed by Obama on why he had called Russia the number-one enemy, Romney explained that Russia was the top “geopolitical” enemy, Iran the top “national-security” enemy, and South Korea the leading “dance-off” enemy.

While many observers gave a slight edge to Obama, Democrats continued to be nervous about the tightening race. “Mitt Romney is polling 58% among people in Ohio who have grabbed his arm and said they can’t find a job,” said one pollster. “That’s almost one-third of the electorate.”

Romney’s camp seemed pleased with the debate’s results, although they hastened to issue one clarification of their candidate’s comments. “When Governor Romney said ‘We can’t kill our way out of this mess,’ he was obviously joking,” explained campaign manager Mitt Rhoades. “I mean, we’re still Republicans.”

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