Tag Archives: world

Azerbaijan president irritated that Putin, Kim Jong Un are the only dictators Americans know about

9 Sep

BAKU, Azerbaijan–in a sparsely attended press conference today, Azeri President Ilham Aliyev expressed his “growing anger” at America’s lack of knowledge of or interest in his repressive regime. He blamed a number of factors, saving particular anger for Vladimir Putin of Russia and Kim Jong Un of North Korea for “sucking up all the oxygen” in the dictator-awareness space.

“Those guys, it’s more that they’re famous dictators because they’re famous dictators, you know?” complained Aliyev. “If you look at the fundamentals, I’m just as autocratic. I’m just as irrational. I built the world’s tallest flagpole. I blew billions of dollars on the made-up European Games. But Vladimir Putin rides in a submarine, or trots around on a horse, and he’s on the front page of the Post. I mean, where’s the parity?”

Aliyev also blamed the “winner-take-all” model of social media, in which “we only seem to have time for one or two crazy dictators, and all the others are ignored.” He went on to cite the efforts of “a number of real up-and-comers, young guys who are doing good, creative work, and they just can’t break through.” He cited Teodoro Obiang of Equatorial Guinea as an example of a “crazy young autocrat who just isn’t getting focus,” while also decrying the lack of respect shown to Belarusian president Aleksandr Lukashenko as “ignoring our elders and betters to chase the hot new thing.”

Aliyev did admit that both Putin and Un “have real talent,” citing in particular Un’s habit for being photographed looking at things. “I’m not saying they shouldn’t be getting the love–they might even be one and two on the leaderboard–but we need to share the wealth to numbers three and below.”

Aliyev went on to raise the specter that “if things don’t change, I might stop doing crazy repressive things altogether.”

In addition to his skill at arresting journalists and rigging elections, Aliyev is known for his hilarious Scattergories answers and general clowning around.

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