Tag Archives: zimmerman

George Zimmerman rescues family from car crash; does not shoot them

26 Jul

SANFORD, Florida–less than two weeks after being acquitted in the death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman rescued a family of four after their SUV flipped over during an accident. Although Zimmerman later noted that they looked “shifty,” especially the “weird-looking kid in the back,” he did not shoot any of them, police confirmed.

“I’m pleased to say that my client did not kill anyone this week,” said Zimmerman’s lawyer, Mark O’Mara. “Even now that he’s got his favorite gun back, he’s gone two weeks without shooting everyone, not even those teenagers who hang out in front of the 7-11 for no reason at all.”

According to David Miller, who was driving the SUV, “the first thing I noticed when I came to was this guy waving a gun in my face, asking if I was okay. He offered to shoot anyone who was badly hurt, but we were fine, so instead he helped us out of the car and gave us a ride into town.”

Zimmerman explained that “it was touch and go at times, and they had some kind of candy in the back seat that might have been some new weapon invented by China or black people or something, but I decided to take a chance, and I’m glad it all worked out.”

In wake of Zimmerman controversy, Florida to institute strict license-and-limit regime for killing black youth

15 Jul

TALLAHASSEE–reacting to criticism following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the death of Trayvon Martin, Florida today announced that it would institute a strict requirement that all neighborhood vigilantes have a license before killing black teenagers, and that there would be a strict season limit of three regular teenagers or five suspicious ones.

“This tragedy has underlined the need to strictly regulate the killing of African-Americans in our state,” said House Speaker Will Weatherford. “If these rules had been in place a year ago, Trayvon Martin would still be alive, unless George Zimmerman had filled out an application and paid a $35 fee.”

The permits will be issued by the newly renamed Florida Department of Fish, Wildlife, and Civil Rights, and will come with an instant voting-background check.

“I think we can all agree that these commonsense rules will help prevent a lot of confusion,” said presidential hopeful Sen. Marco Rubio (R—Fla). “I encourage residents of this great state to ensure their permits are in order, preferably before the next election rolls around.”

GOP statement on Zimmerman verdict: “Thank God it is still legal to shoot black people in America.”

14 Jul

SANFORD, Florida—minutes after George Zimmerman was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin, the Republican Party issued a statement celebrating the fact that “our Second Amendment right to stalk and kill black people is still intact.”

“Did George Zimmerman shoot that Negro boy? Sure, he did,” said former Rep. Connie Mack IV. “What is that, illegal?” Mack went on to point out that because of the “liberal media,” Zimmerman had been without his “favorite gun” for months now.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus, answering questions at a press conference, noted that a guilty verdict would have “raised the specter of white people across the country going to jail just for shooting blacks.” Added Priebus, “if the courts can criminalize killing someone like this Martin kid, what’s next? Allowing unfettered access to the ballot box? Legalized interracial dating?”

Members of the jury, in post-trial interviews, explained that they believed Zimmerman had acted in self-defense. “I mean, what was he supposed to do in that situation?” said one juror. “Not follow Martin, get out of the car, start yelling at him, and then pull the trigger?”

If he had been convicted of first-degree murder, under Florida law, Zimmerman would have faced thirty days in jail, a $500 fine, or both.

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